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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28522626">What's on the Inside of Nagi Mikado</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/abilovesreiji/pseuds/abilovesreiji'>abilovesreiji</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Uta no Prince-sama</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Forgiveness, Secrets</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:35:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,544</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28522626</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/abilovesreiji/pseuds/abilovesreiji</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Always known as the cute member of HEAVENS Cutie Nagi Mikado. Nagi is actually very self-conscious of his appearence and hates it, but he can't say that it will ruin everything. What will happen as a series of events leads to Nagi breaking down.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Pain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The end of a concert with HEAVENS, I felt depressed as I heard everything quiet down but I didn’t show it. “Nagi,” I felt Shion drop his weight onto me in a hug which startled me a bit. “Ah Shion you idiot get off me!” I shouted, even though I actually didn’t mind the warmth. </p>
<p>“But you are so cute, Nagi,” he said nice and relaxed. That word again “cute” every time I hear it, it gets to me. No matter how many times someone says it, even me, I internally cringe well, I can’t show everyone how I truly feel about that word, it would affect my image.. </p>
<p>I can’t say it to my friends either. So rather than saying what I think, I said, “Of course I’m cute! That doesn’t mean you can cling like that!” I shouted in frustration.</p>
<p>I hate this, I know I am “cute” but it doesn’t boost my confidence. I’m a guy. I just want to be treated normally, but I guess I need to accept my cuteness. I guess I should head home with everyone now since it seems they are all heading out except for Shion and I. </p>
<p>"Shion, get off me so we can go," I said before pushing him off, as he let go. I followed the others with Shion behind me as we got into a small bus for us to go home. </p>
<p>As we got home I headed directly to my room. I sighed thinking about the lights in the crowd. I picked up my phone to see a text from Shion, [I know something is off you have been acting strangely quiet lately]. Oh no, was Shion onto the real me? I hope not. I text back [It's nothing Shion I have just been a little tired lately is all]. </p>
<p>I have to lie otherwise everything will be over. I don't want to lie, but I have to. I felt a tear roll down my cheek one after the other as I fell asleep. </p>
<p>I had a bad dream that night where everyone found out about my true self. They may have said they still wanted to be my friends, but I was useless as an idol now. I don't want to give up this life so no one can ever find out about my secret, not even my friends.</p>
<p>I feel awful not telling them how I truly feel, but I don't want to risk my idol life. </p>
<p>I woke up to the smell of breakfast and got up, got ready, and headed out of my bedroom. I saw Kira cooking breakfast, the usual. I sat down at the table that had been carefully set by Shion and Eiji and waited for everyone else to come out. Not much later Eiichi, Van, and Yamato joined us. "Hey Nagi, what's wrong you got bags under your eyes and you look paler than usual" he said.</p>
<p>"I've noticed it as well," Eiji said. "It's nothing, I'm fine," I said before looking around, </p>
<p>"Ah I just remembered I have to work with Syo early this morning, I have to skip breakfast today," I said running out of the dining room to avoid any more questions. </p>
<p>Indeed I did have work with Syo this morning but it wasn’t for another two hours. I just need to get away. Kira knows my schedule so he is most likely suspicious of me right now but the others are probably clueless.</p>
<p>I know I'm gonna be scolded by Kira later for lying but for now I'm safe, after all I've technically been lying to him since I met him. I finally made it to the studio and it was now only an hour until I had to meet Syo. I guess I can go to the cafe next door before I meet him. </p>
<p>I quickly put on a small disguise so no one recognized me and headed to the cafe. I got some fancy hot chocolate and a pastry. I went to a table after I got my food and sat down quietly eating the pastry. It was overly sweet, I bet Camus would love it from his renowned sweet tooth I've heard so much about. </p>
<p>About half an hour before I was supposed to meet up with Syo, I got a call from Kira. "Hello," I said, a bit hesitant once I picked up the phone. "You lied," he said</p>
<p>"I know, I know, but I needed to escape before someone told me to stay home for to-," a wave of exhaustion hit me at that exact time and I collapsed. I heard people swarm around me before I lost consciousness. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Later, the first thing I woke up to was a pacing Eiji, he must have been worried and the only one available today since it was his day off, I turned my head and saw Syo. Then I looked up, I must be in a hospital. I thought since I was in a bed that wasn't mine and everything was white. I tried to sit up but a pounding headache hit me like a trainwreck. Eiji stopped pacing noticing that I was moving and came rushing to my side worriedly. "Nagi you're awake thank goodness," he said. </p>
<p>I smiled weakly laying back down. "I guess I may have overworked myself lately." I said.</p>
<p>It was true I would take all the work I possibly could to avoid expressing how I really feel.</p>
<p>I guess I've been hiding from the real me. But what else can I do if I want to be accepted there is no way I'm telling them how I truly feel.</p>
<p>"Nagi, you should take better care of yourself, you'll worry the angels" Eiji said. Syo must have noticed Eiji speaking to me and got up and walked toward us. "Nagi, our movie filming has been postponed because the staff wants you to relax." "Right." I said and looked down. It seems that my workload will be lessened. "Also Nagi we have cancelled most of your jobs for the next three days all of your jobs will be HEAVENS related only for the next three days."</p>
<p>My eyes widened, "What?!" I shouted then covered my mouth, I can't cut down on jobs. I may end up showing my actual feelings if I stay home too long.</p>
<p>Eiji looked at me confused, “Why are you so shocked it is only natural to take time off when you aren’t well,” he said.</p>
<p>
  <em> Shit shit shit what do I do they already cancelled all my work for the next three days what do I do?  </em>
</p>
<p>“Wait is Raging okay with this?” I asked. </p>
<p>“Actually, no. he said if you can’t push through it you aren’t worth it, but we persuaded him to let you rest,” Eiji said looking at Syo, who nodded in agreement. </p>
<p>I’m screwed. I know I will lock myself in my room, no that’s too obvious. I’m scared, what do I do?</p>
<p>I felt tears ready to fall, I held them back as hard as I could. “The doctor said to let them know when you wake up and you should be able to go home,” Eiji said. I nodded at him. Eiji left the room. Syo smiled at him, then looked back at me and frowned.</p>
<p> “You aren’t telling them something, I honestly don’t care if you tell me what it is, but you need to tell them, I’m sure they will still accept you,” he said to me looking at me with a glare. “You shouldn’t lie to your friends,” he said.</p>
<p>“YOU DON’T GET IT IF ANYONE FINDS OUT ABOUT MY SECRET I’LL BE RUINED!!! I CAN’T EVEN TELL THEM IF I WANTED TO!” I shouted at Syo frustrated and angry, not at him, but at myself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Later, Eiji came back and Syo and I were completely silent, Syo obviously angry with me. I was just looking down at my hands, “Well. we can go home now alright Nagi,” Eiji said, walking over to me.</p>
<p>“Right, I will head to my room as soon as we get home, get some rest and talk to you again in the morning.</p>
<p>Both Eiji and I left with Syo behind us. Eiji and I both got into a vehicle from Raging Entertainment and were taken home. </p>
<p>The car ride home was quite the quiet one. I didn’t make a sound, I only looked out the window. Eiji would try to start a conversation, but I just brushed him off.</p>
<p>When we reached home I did exactly as I said and went to my room and once again cried myself to sleep. I only have one job tomorrow since I am only doing HEAVENS related work for the next three days. So I guess, I will try my best not to tell anyone how I truly feel. I let Syo hear enough of my inner pain, I can’t let it out ever again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Deep in Thought</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Nothing to do? What will Nagi do on his first day off?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I woke up the next morning Shion had come to wake me up to let me know breakfast was ready. That was weird, I usually woke up as food was still being made. Not after. I went down stairs and everyone was eating and they looked at me, but didn’t want to say anything. They probably knew I didn’t want to talk right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Breakfast was the most silent it had ever been. I was feeling uncomfortable, but I didn’t say anything. Shion glanced at me a couple times as if sensing my uneasiness. Though he seemed to always know when I was distressed so it didn’t bother me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I bet if I were to talk to Shion he would be understanding and not say anything until I was ready to tell the others. Though should I really say anything to anyone right now they are already worried enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I looked around and sighed after, "Well since I'm off until 5 today I will be heading to my</span>
</p><p>
  <span>room until anyone needs me," I said and went to my room. I laid on my bed with a flop. I don't know what I'm gonna do with this time. I feel on edge being out of work, but maybe it's for the best I could have ended up getting upset on screen or onstage and acting out on my hidden hate of being the cute one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No one will ever know of my hate for being called by that accursed word. This is a life I chose, I need to get over the pain I feel when I hear that word. I need to stop this stupidness of just hating being called cute. It’s just a small thing but why can’t I get over it, it should be easy. On the outside I embrace being called cute, but I actually hate it so much. I am surprised nobody has realized I have been being this fake the entire time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I heard a knock on my bedroom door. I sighed and got up from my bed, I looked at myself in the mirror before going to the door, I hadn’t realized it but I’d been crying. I rubbed the tears away and went to open the door hoping the person at my door wouldn’t notice I had been crying. I looked up to see who it was at the door. It was Van, “Nagi-chan, is something the matter you seemed down at breakfast. Do you want to talk,” He was normally one just to goof off and say something to cheer me up rather than ask what’s wrong so I must have shown how upset I actually was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine Van just a lot on my mind,” I said with a fake smile. He looked at me and he knew I was lying, but decided it was best for him to drop it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I closed the door after Van walked away. I looked at the time it was now 11 am so I</span>
</p><p>
  <span>decided to take a nap, but before I could do so I got a call from none other than Haruka.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ah Nagi-kun, I heard you collapsed yesterday. I was wondering if you were okay?" She</span>
</p><p>
  <span>said in that gentle tone of hers. I nearly started crying when I heard her on the other side, but I didn't want her to worry so I took a quick breath and responded, "I'm fine Haruka there is no worries. I was just really tired from overworking myself," I said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"oh I’m glad you’re okay Nagi-kun, I heard they cancelled your non-HEAVENS related</span>
</p><p>
  <span>work for the next couple of days.  Would you mind meeting up tomorrow? I have no work between 3 and 5 tomorrow, so I would like to talk to you if that's alright," she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That actually sounded like a good idea just some relaxing time with Haruka, "I will be</span>
</p><p>
  <span>there, it seems all I have tomorrow is a recording with HEAVENS tomorrow, so I would be happy to meet with you," I said as the tension I had slowly faded. Haruka just has this way about her that really calms me, she is very understanding with everyone so maybe I should talk to her about my troubles, but I don't want to worry her. There is a chance it will worry her more if she doesn't hear anything of what I'm feeling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nagi-kun?" she said, it sounded like she had said my name a couple of times before I even noticed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ah sorry Haruka, I was just thinking for a second, so tomorrow where do you want to meet?" I asked her. She paused for a moment before answering.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How about the park?" She asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That sounds good, I will see you there around three tomorrow then,” I said, actually a bit happy to be able to talk to Haruka a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Haruka hung up the phone and I looked at the time and it was 4 pm, I had to go get ready for the only job I have today. It was an interview, I am probably going to be asked about what’s going on and why I collapsed aren’t I?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After I got ready I headed out to the living room as suspected no one was there; everyone is at work or already at the studio getting ready for the interview. I decided since the studio was only a fifteen minute walk away I would walk. I did just that when I got to the studio, only Van, Kira, and Eiichi were already there. Kira told me the others would be there in about five minutes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After five minute as Kira said the other three showed up. Yamato seemed to be pumped up from a show he just did that involved him getting some exercise. I sighed looking at everyone who looked like they were having a fun busy schedule. I took a deep breath and went to prepare for the interview. After the next half an hour it was finally time to go on set for the interview. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>All of HEAVENS stepped out in front of everyone in the studio and the camera’s. To hide how I felt, I raised both my arms up and waved at everyone with my usual “Cutie Nagi” smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We then did our introductions and sat down. I looked out managing to keep a smile throughout the whole interview. The interview was an hour long. When we were done everyone but Van, Shion, and I still had work. Van drove Shion and I home. We sat in complete silence. Shion had fallen asleep in the front seat. Van seemed uncomfortable with the silence, but seemed to notice I wasn’t in the mood for talking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When we got home I headed straight for bed I grabbed a rabbit plush I had gotten from Kira and hugged it tightly. Will I be able to ever tell them the truth of how I feel?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I cuddled with the rabbit plush until I drifted off to sleep and tonight for the first time in a while I didn’t cry before I slept, almost as if I couldn’t</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Numb</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Nagi plans to go see Haruka, but things don't go exactly as planned as he finally breaks down.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I got up early this morning surprisingly before anyone else. I went to the kitchen and grabbed an apple and ate it while I waited for the others to get up, the first person I saw emerge from their room was Yamato, followed by Kira. They both greeted me with a smile before going to do their first tasks for Kira that was to make breakfast, and for Yamato it was to go for a morning jog. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Van then came in right after Yamato had left for his jog, “Good morning Nagi-chan, Kira,” he said with a yawn as he sat by me. I smiled lightly then laid my head on the table. “Nagi-chan seems to be sleepy today,” Van said. “A little, oh by the way, Haruka invited me to go to the park with her today I will be meeting her at 3 pm so if I’m not here when you return that is why,” I said to Van and Kira. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kira nodded. “Make sure to let the others know,” he said then focused himself back on the breakfast he was making.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will,” I said then looked over to the side, I wouldn’t have to be telling them if I had jobs other than the ones with them. I felt a bit lonely sitting here in this house for the seven of us alone knowing I had nowhere to go and nothing to do, so I was glad Haruka invited me out. Though I wish I was going back to work instead I feel so unproductive. Eiichi and Eiji emerged from their rooms at the same time Yamato had returned from his jog. Now you could smell the breakfast Kira was making, it smelled so good as it always did, Kira’s breakfast was always the best.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>            A few moments later Shion came out of his room and draped himself over me. Instead of complaining like I usually do I decide to chuckle instead. Everyone turned to me in surprise because they all expected me to complain like usual. I looked at them and tilted my head in fake confusion, "What is something wrong?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>             "Nagi, are you sure there is nothing  wrong, you have been acting differently lately," Eiji said. I gulped hoping to hold in what I actually wanted to say but instead all the words I wanted to say came out because I could no longer hold back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>               "All you people want is for me to stay the same, to never change, hell I never once said how I truly feel about anything!! You act like you know me but you don't! You don't know shit about me," I shouted and as I realized what I was saying I ran outside and kept running down the street no destination in mind. I just kept running ignoring everyone who recognized me, any one I may have bumped into and kept running until I no longer had the energy to run. Tears fell down from my eyes. I messed up, they are going to hate me now. I started laughing in the middle of my crying, "I lost everything now! Hahaha" I stood there crying and laughing at my own pitiful state. I can't go back home now, I don't belong there, I can't go to my parents place, I don't belong there either, I don't have a place to belong anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>               I crouched down holding my knees to my chest as loud sobs came from my mouth. "Damn it," I shouted as I punched the ground next to me. I screwed everything up. "Nagi-chan?" I heard an all too familiar voice call out to me. I instantly rub the tears in my eyes and try to pull myself together before I face the tall man I call my rival, "N-Natsuki, what are you doing here?" I asked. "I could ask you the same thing, Nagi-chan, but I won't say anything since it seems you've been crying" he looked at me concerned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>                 He reached a hand toward me before I slapped it away and startled him, "I may have been crying, but it's none of your business so go away," I said, my voice cold and harsh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>                "Nagi-chan," he said quietly with concern laced in his tone, but he instead of pushing he smiled and nodded, "I'm sure you need your space, I will go for now take care of yourself okay?" His smile was soft and gentle,something in the back of my mind told me that I should say what's on my mind, but I didn't, I couldn't. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>         I grabbed my phone from my pocket. I had turned it off before I left so I couldn't here any calls or texts coming in. I turned on my phone only to get notifications of almost over 100 plus missed calls and several texts from the others. The majority came from Van, a couple short texts from Shion and Kira. Several calls from Eiichi and Yamato who were obviously angry from the few texts I got from them. Eiji texts seemed to be somewhat long and concerned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I began to cry all over again, why do they care so much, I am not a good person, I am a liar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nagi-kun" I heard a soft gentle voice that was obviously Haruka. I looked up to see her walking towards me. I stiffened. This position is the last one I wanted her to see me in. “H-Haruka, what are you doing here,” I asked nervously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I could be asking you the same thing you should be at that morning recording with HEAVENS right about-?” she stopped when she saw my face tear stained, and my eyes red.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haruka I can’t go back, they are mad and what if when I go back I say something to make them hate me,” The tears had started flowing again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her expression softened in what I assumed was her trying to calm down she said, “Nagi-kun they probably want you to talk to them, you seven are a family, you love each other and I know you want to protect each other, Nagi-kun I don’t think whatever you have to say will make them hate you, HEAVENS bond is strong and not one to be easily broken, they might be upset that you aren’t willing to talk to them.” she explained in a calm-sweet tone to relax me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haruka, I am scared what if I say the wrong things, what if I mess up and run off again,” I looked at her, I was shaking and I think Haruka could tell since she gently placed her hand on my shoulder. “Nagi-kun the decision is yours to make but I think you should talk to them, instead of meeting up later like we initially planned I am going to give you some space so you can think about what you want to do, and return home once you’ve calmed down,” she said. I nodded and forced a smile and thanked her. I don’t think I’ve ever said a more honest thank you in my life. I feel I may be able to talk to them now, thanks to Haruka, but I need to start small, but who do I tell first?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I grabbed my phone, my hands trembling, I dropped my phone and it landed face down. I kneeled down to grab it to see the screen was shattered now. I began to cry again, I was finally able to bring myself to call one of them and this happened. Everyone is going to be home I am sure. I guess I need to brace myself and tell them all at once.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I took a deep breath and started heading towards home. I finally found myself outside of HEAVENS’ home. I felt nervous, every muscle in my body trembling, afraid of their rejection. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No they won’t think poorly of me. </span>
  </em>
  <span>They will probably be upset with me, but that’s because they care, </span>
  <em>
    <span>right?</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. HEAVENS Cutie Nagi</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It's time for Nagi to come clean and explain everything to HEAVENS</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I walked to the door and slowly opened it, seeing everyone facing the door as soon as they heard it opening. The first ones to head towards me were Kira and Eiichi, worry all over their faces. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then I heard Van clear his throat and something I never expected to hear from him came out of his mouth, “WHAT EXACTLY WERE YOU THINKING NAGI!” he was angry at me rightfully so, I yelled at them and ran off like a coward. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I looked at them, “I am sorry, I know that isn’t enough you guys deserve an explanation,” I said looking down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> “And I need to tell you now,” tears began to flow one after the other “I have never had a good family life and I was neglected, the year before HEAVENS formed I realized a lot of people thought of me as cute and though it hurt me as a boy, I used it, I used it and became an idol so I could get away from my parents, and I hid everything I felt about it and I hid my feelings towards a lot of things so that you guys and the angels never saw how weak I was mentally and so that no one would hate me…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I started feeling more tears falling until I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder and looked up to see a gentle smile from Eiji. “I am sorry if we have said anything inconsiderate to you,” he said and I threw myself at him and cried in his arms. He was still smiling while he patted my head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, what Eiji said, we all care about you, we are a family aren’t we?” Yamato said wrapping an arm around me and Eiji.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiichi and Kira both nodded and Eiichi spoke up, “If you ever need it, Nagi just talk to us we will listen with care,” he said and they both joined the hug.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nagi isn’t just cute, but cool too. You are very strong, not weak at all,” Shion also hugged me. Van smiled,”HEAVENS wouldn’t be HEAVENS without Nagi-chan, no matter what form it takes,” Van said joining in on the hug which only made me cry harder, but my tears weren’t sad anymore, but relieved.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should have trusted you all with my worries and fears sooner I am really sorry about that, but I promise, I won’t give up and I will never run off again, and I will learn to love the me I have become, and gain real confidence in my cuteness, after all I am the world’s cutest idol, and member of HEAVENS Cutie Nagi and I have you all by my side, thank you,” I wiped my tears when the group hug had ended and looked up at everyone. “This is what it means to be a member of HEAVENS.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everything was easier than expected, but that proves that the members of HEAVENS are truly a family and we have each other's backs and that will never change. HEAVENS is my home forever and always, and they will now always know what’s on the inside of Nagi Mikado.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
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